Sandy Takes Back the Blog

Imagine our shock and dismay to find this blog hijacked recently by someone calling herself Judy Greenberg. Obviously it wasn’t the real Judy Greenberg, because there is no real Judy Greenberg. Judy is just a character from one of our novels. She doesn’t exist.

We have to remind ourselves of that sometimes, because as a character, Judy was quite a handful. She cropped up in more scenes of The Black Sheep than we originally intended—so many that we joked about her having a bad case of “protagonist envy.” Still, it’s not like she could jump off the page and start menacing people or anything.

If our characters ever did come to life I’m sure we’d get along with them just fine. Yvonne and I aren’t the type to have personality clashes. Mind you, it would take a lot of restraint not to tangle with Judy.

“Can you believe she said my videos suck?” Yvonne demanded.

“She didn’t say ‘sucked,’” I pointed out. “She said you’re no Judy Greenberg. That’s a compliment. And remember, she kept calling me ‘the dark one.’ It’s like she knew how many scenes I edited her out of.”

Yvonne looked over her shoulder nervously. “She’s not real, right?”

“Of course not,” I assured her. “The real world isn’t big enough for Judy Greenberg.”

As for all that talk about our daiquiri consumption, it’s absurd. Yvonne and I haven’t been able to drink like that in more than a decade. It is true that we once burned out the motor on a blender while making fancy cocktails, but that was when we were roommates fresh out of college. We had time to kick back then, because Yvonne was tending bar for a living and I’d quit a perfectly good government job to “write” (i.e., hand out towels in a gym).

But our daiquiri days are long behind us now. We have real jobs and responsibilities. If we drank rum today in the quantities Judy suggested, we’d fall asleep long before the point where fictional people start coming to life.

“Maybe it was a bad dream,” Yvonne said.

“What are the chances of our dreaming the same dream?” I scoffed. “Even co-authorship has its limits.”

In other words, there’s no good explanation for what happened. All we know is that Judy Greenberg is not real. And while we can’t account for the hostile takeover of our blog, we can assure you it won’t happen again.

Just to be sure, we’re changing our password. And locking up the blenders.

Character Revolts Against Creators

As president of the Collins-Rideout Characters’ Association (CRCA), I, Judith Greenberg—star of the novel The Black Sheep and producer of the mega-hit reality show of the same name—do hereby declare authors Yvonne Collins and Sandy Rideout incompetent and remiss in their professional duties.

Said authors appear to be laboring under the impression that their obligation to the public ends when their books are finished. As any entrepreneur could tell them, the work only gets started once you have a product to promote. Judy Greenberg did not win a “Realie,” the highest honor in reality television, for sitting around on her arse.

So I took a meeting with the co-authors. I said, “Listen, you slackers, do you know what a blog is for? To entertain people. Yet you hardly ever update it.”

The blonde one stared at me as if I were the only character who’s ever had the guts to talk sense to her. “But I don’t like talking about myself,” she mumbled.

“And I’m boring,” the dark one added.

Pathetic, and so true, but it’s no excuse. These two have filled eight books with their blather, so they should be able to manage to blog now and then. How hard can it be? If their own lives are that dull, they should make something up. That’s what writers do.

Obviously Judy Greenberg would never need to resort to fiction. I could fill this blog with fascinating observations every day of the year—and I might just do that if they don’t get their lazy butts in gear.

“Stop whining and start writing,” I told them. “You owe it to your characters. Judy didn’t give her heart and soul to The Black Sheep so that you two could kick back in lawn chairs and sip blender drinks.”

The blonde one put down her daiquiri and turned to the dark one. “You see her too, right? It isn’t just me?”

The dark one nodded and examined her drink. “How much rum did you put in these things?”

“I’m not some figment of your drunken imaginations,” I shouted, making Blondie jump.

She turned to her co-author, whimpering, “What are we going to do?”

Shrugging, the dark one reached for the Bacardi. “You invented her. You deal with her.”

“But I thought she’d stay on the page,” Blondie said. “Once she started referring to herself in the third person, I couldn’t control her.”

Of course she couldn’t. Judy Greenberg is not your typical character. And unlike these two, she knows how to hustle. After facing some personal challenges subsequent to The Black Sheep fiasco, J.G. is back and bigger than ever.

At the moment, I’m pulling together a new reality show featuring the most talented, cooperative star I’ve ever worked with. That’s right, it’s me, Judy Greenberg! In Back from the Dead, I’ll be documenting what it takes to put a new show on the air.

And Judy does know what it takes, which is more than can be said for a certain blonde co-author who’s recently developed delusions of grandeur.

“About those homemade videos,” I said. “In case you haven’t noticed, you’re no Judy Greenberg.”

Blondie looked wounded, so the dark one came to her defense: “Shut up, Judy. Yvonne’s videos rock—especially the one about the ‘sheep auditions.’”

I snorted. “No one cares about sheep! Human drama is where it’s at.”

“In case you haven’t noticed,” the dark one said, “You’re not human.”

Maybe not, but on my worst day, I’m a better writer than she is. Which is why I intend to take over this blog whenever I feel like it. Since it’s sitting here empty half the time, I’m going to use it to promote my own work. I might even share the space with some of the other members of the CRCA. Annika from the “Diva” series sounds like a firecracker. I bet she knows how important it is to put on a show. And Leigh’s director Chaz is someone Judy could really respect.

It comes down to this: slackers like Collins and Rideout have no business being the public face of Judy Greenberg. Readers deserve better and I’m going to make sure they get it.

Yours Sincerely,

Judy Greenburg