Character Revolts Against Creators

As president of the Collins-Rideout Characters’ Association (CRCA), I, Judith Greenberg—star of the novel The Black Sheep and producer of the mega-hit reality show of the same name—do hereby declare authors Yvonne Collins and Sandy Rideout incompetent and remiss in their professional duties.

Said authors appear to be laboring under the impression that their obligation to the public ends when their books are finished. As any entrepreneur could tell them, the work only gets started once you have a product to promote. Judy Greenberg did not win a “Realie,” the highest honor in reality television, for sitting around on her arse.

So I took a meeting with the co-authors. I said, “Listen, you slackers, do you know what a blog is for? To entertain people. Yet you hardly ever update it.”

The blonde one stared at me as if I were the only character who’s ever had the guts to talk sense to her. “But I don’t like talking about myself,” she mumbled.

“And I’m boring,” the dark one added.

Pathetic, and so true, but it’s no excuse. These two have filled eight books with their blather, so they should be able to manage to blog now and then. How hard can it be? If their own lives are that dull, they should make something up. That’s what writers do.

Obviously Judy Greenberg would never need to resort to fiction. I could fill this blog with fascinating observations every day of the year—and I might just do that if they don’t get their lazy butts in gear.

“Stop whining and start writing,” I told them. “You owe it to your characters. Judy didn’t give her heart and soul to The Black Sheep so that you two could kick back in lawn chairs and sip blender drinks.”

The blonde one put down her daiquiri and turned to the dark one. “You see her too, right? It isn’t just me?”

The dark one nodded and examined her drink. “How much rum did you put in these things?”

“I’m not some figment of your drunken imaginations,” I shouted, making Blondie jump.

She turned to her co-author, whimpering, “What are we going to do?”

Shrugging, the dark one reached for the Bacardi. “You invented her. You deal with her.”

“But I thought she’d stay on the page,” Blondie said. “Once she started referring to herself in the third person, I couldn’t control her.”

Of course she couldn’t. Judy Greenberg is not your typical character. And unlike these two, she knows how to hustle. After facing some personal challenges subsequent to The Black Sheep fiasco, J.G. is back and bigger than ever.

At the moment, I’m pulling together a new reality show featuring the most talented, cooperative star I’ve ever worked with. That’s right, it’s me, Judy Greenberg! In Back from the Dead, I’ll be documenting what it takes to put a new show on the air.

And Judy does know what it takes, which is more than can be said for a certain blonde co-author who’s recently developed delusions of grandeur.

“About those homemade videos,” I said. “In case you haven’t noticed, you’re no Judy Greenberg.”

Blondie looked wounded, so the dark one came to her defense: “Shut up, Judy. Yvonne’s videos rock—especially the one about the ‘sheep auditions.’”

I snorted. “No one cares about sheep! Human drama is where it’s at.”

“In case you haven’t noticed,” the dark one said, “You’re not human.”

Maybe not, but on my worst day, I’m a better writer than she is. Which is why I intend to take over this blog whenever I feel like it. Since it’s sitting here empty half the time, I’m going to use it to promote my own work. I might even share the space with some of the other members of the CRCA. Annika from the “Diva” series sounds like a firecracker. I bet she knows how important it is to put on a show. And Leigh’s director Chaz is someone Judy could really respect.

It comes down to this: slackers like Collins and Rideout have no business being the public face of Judy Greenberg. Readers deserve better and I’m going to make sure they get it.

Yours Sincerely,

Judy Greenburg